Where has the time gone?

So I cannot believe the last post I made was nearly 3 years ago....I do have to say I'm pretty good at updating our life on Facebook, but I'm sad I haven't put more personal posts here.....I started this blog to "create" a journal/scrapbook of our family...and now I need to update the whole blog!!  So my first post of 2014.....well, let's just say that 2014 has had both great times and heartbreaking times.  Thad was in an accident in November of 2013.  He fell 10 feet off the wing of an airplane he had just finished fueling.   That trial ended up bringing him home....Home for Thanksgiving...then he never was able to go back because he had a traumatic brain injury that he has been trying to recover from.  We were so grateful that his life was spared that day, and knew he had a purpose here on earth and realized it was not his time to go.  He figured he would come home for Thanksgiving to recover and be back up working up there in a couple of weeks....that couple of weeks ended up turning into not going back up there.  Thad and I spend countless hours talking at night about how it really sucked that he had to have that accident, but how nice it was to have him home!  He was able to celebrate birthdays, holidays, and spending quality time with the littles...and that we talked about being forever grateful for.  The doctors he was going to just said it would take "time".....That was so frustrating to both of us....We just wanted to wave the magic wand and say...You are healed Thad!  You can walk and run and not feel "foggy" as he would put it.  He had good days....where he felt great...then it would go back to the barely even get out of bed days.  He started walking with wrist crutches to help his sore muscles work..  I used to tell him he was the only man who could make walking with crutches SEXY!! :)  he would just roll his eyes at me....but it is true....I every time I looked at him, my heart would skip a beat....after nearly 29 years of knowing him....He still gave me butterflies in my stomach when I saw him!

On May 12, 2014, our family's lives would forever be changed.  It started off as a "normal" day...if you can call it that.  Thad was supposed to take my mom home on his way to Greybull the day before, but the road ended up being closed in Evanston, so they turned around and came home...I remember saying "whahoo!!!  We get you for one more night"  If I would have known that was literally the one more night I was able to be with him on this earth, I would have not let him go the next day.  The next day, driving to work, I noticed the sign saying road closed in Evanston...I called him and left a message saying..."looks like you get to stay another day...the road is still closed".  He called me at work that morning and said that the road had opened and that he and mom were going to go up to LDS Hospital to see my brother David who was recovering from a severe accident he had been in and he wanted me to go and meet them for lunch....I thought that was perfect so I told them I would meet them there at noon.  Well it was a super busy payroll Monday, and I ended up being close to an hour late.  I remember walking into my brother's hospital room and Thad's back was turned to me and when he heard me, he stood up and said "it's about time!"  :)  We gave each other a hug and said our goodbyes to my brother and his wife and walked to the cafeteria with my mom to eat lunch....I remember he got rotissere chicken...I have no idea what I got....but I remember sitting next to him and looking through his phone...he showed me a cute pic of one of his friend's baby on facebook, then pulled up the Wyoming road report to make sure I knew that the roads were just showing wet all the way through South Pass...I was relieved.  Then it was time to say goodbyes....I was going to go visit my brother before going back to work, and he and mom wanted to get on the road.  When we got in the elevator, there was a man in there, and I remember thinking oh shoot...the guy is going to be irritated because we pushed 3 and 4 and he was going to 5.  When we got to floor 3 where mom and Thad were getting off to go get in the truck, I gave him a quick hug and kiss and we said our love yous, drive safe. trying to hurry so I didn't irritate the other guy in there....Now, I wish I wouldn't have cared what the other guy was thinking....I would have held that hug and kiss forever had I known that would be my last before he returned to heavenly home.  I called him when I was done at my brother's and he said the roads were all dry...and he was making good time...he said he was going to drop my mom off and then just head to his dad's so he could get an early start the next day on the farm.  After work, I talked to him....he was in Farson, going to grab a soda and get back on the road...he talked about how frustrated he was with Workman's comp and if he didn't see his check by Friday, he was going to call an attorney.....then he said, you can call me any time tonight to keep me company...I reminded him that I was taking the kids to the high school play...He said "oh that is right, well when you get out of the play, give me a call....if I don't answer, make sure you leave a message so when I get into a good area, I will be notified I have a message....We ended our call as we always did, love you, miss you, drive safe.  He told me he should be in Greybull around 10 P.m. that night.  I remember looking down at my clock for some reason and it said 6:28....It was the ONLY thing I remember even having an inclination that I needed to know the time we had talked....

I took the kids and one of my grandkids Eli to the wizard of oz at Stansbury high school...It was an awesome production and there were several teenagers and kids in our ward in the production...I took pictures and we had a great time.  When we got out to the car, I called thad...It went right into voicemail, so I left a message as he instructed....I called his dad to see if maybe he had gotten there because it was nearly 10.  He said he hadn't and was surprised he was coming that night...he thought he was coming the next day and hadn't talked to him...I thought that was strange because I knew Thad would call him at some point in the trip to make it go faster...but I said, well just have him call when he gets there...I get home, call him again...this time it rang, so I figured he was in a better area, but still no answer....I got the kids dressed for bed then called again, and it went into voicemail.....I texted him and said where are you?????  no reply...I figured he had gotten to his dad's house, and his dad was on the home phone so he couldn't call.  As I was saying my prayers I prayed that he would call me to let me know he was ok and had gotten there.  I still really didn't think anything was wrong...It wouldn't be the first time that he had forgotten to call before he got there and lost cell service.

At 12:30 a.m. I was startled by my phone ringing....awww....I thought he's calling me.....It wasn't him.  It was my son Michael asking if Grandpa had gotten a hold of me...no I said...what is going on...He said "Dad rolled the truck........and he didn't make it".......NOOOOOOOOOOOO  (scream)........noooooo what?  I don't even remember what I said except those words, and then screaming tears, crying with my son on the other end doing the same thing...Holland woke up and was worried wondering what was wrong....she figured it out through my sobs...she starts crying and trying to console me at the same time....singing I am a Child of God.  Such a sweet little spirit.....I was so mad.......I remember asking God ...Why? Why now?
We had so many dreams to live out...we were finally all together as a family....and now this???  How could you do this to me??  I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is forgiving.....for I did not speak kindly to Him that night/morning.

What I didn't realize was that in the next 8 weeks, I would see God's hand in many different situations, that at the time I thought why us? why now? this isn't fair!

Gift #1.  Thad's accident on November 17, 2013....Every time I call that a gift, I almost feel bad, but I truly believe this was a gift from God.  That accident gave us 6 months of TIME.....time together, time with the kids, time at home, quality time talking, laughing, crying, and realizing just how much we loved each other and how excited we were to be able to live our dreams out.

Gift #2.  Thad's type of brain injury....another weird gift....but the part of his brain that was affected, was the front lobe of his brain....his emotional part of the brain. Even though it was frustrating for him and me at times with all the mood swings and going from laughing to crying to raging mad, this brought Thad closer to Heavenly Father and the spirit.

Gift #3.  Preparing us for May 12.  I truly believe we all have a time that God needs us.  God knew his time was coming ...thus the accident to bring him home for that quality time, but also as I look back He was preparing both of us....I got a really good raise at work....I remember thinking wow....I'm going to be quitting in June or July to move to Alaska....why couldn't this have come sooner so we could enjoy this!?  but that was part of the tender mercies ....Thad knew his time was short here on earth (I didn't)  He told me one night in bed...."I'm not going to be here much longer".  I remember telling him that the doctors just said it just takes time, and that I'm sure he was frustrated, but reminded him that he is living till he is 90's!  Then one night the bishop called us in....just to see how we were doing...He asked if he could do anything for us...I said  blessing would be great.  So he gave Thad a priesthood blessing....I have no idea what all he said in that blessing except for these words :  "Now is the time to prepare to meet your maker".  I remember thinking oh no!  He has already been talking like that...I hope he doesn't read into that statement...well he did...after we left, he said, "did you hear what the bishop said?"  He said I was going to die!  I said...that is not what he meant...he meant that this LIFE is a time for all of us every day to prepare to meet our maker...he was like...no...that is not what he meant....I've thought a lot about why Thad knew and I no inclination whatsoever, but I realize that God probably didn't want me to sit and focus and worry about it....so he allowed me to not "know".

Gift #4.  We were able to find his phone....They didn't find it when they gathered the things that had come out of the his truck....It was so upsetting because I just wanted the pictures and texts and memories....I also wanted to know if I was the last person who he talked to.  The night before his funeral, his brother Eric and his wife and son stopped at the accident site and tried calling it...there was no service...he walked up a few steps and called again....it started ringing!!!!  it was in an inch of dirt under the son's foot!!!  The miracle doesn't stop there.....He immediately tried to call me to tell me he found it....no cell service!!!!!  AND it only had 6% battery left....another miracle...the battery in that phone barely lasted for 4 hours let alone 5 days!!!  I was the last person he talked to....he called me at 6:25...we talked for 3 minutes..then the accident happened at 6:44 p.m.

Gifts since the accident:  my kidney stone....another time I was like really Heavenly Father?  A kidney stone a week after the accident?  I got some REALLY good sleep in the hospital that night...something I hadn't done for a week...AND it passed in the middle of the night that night....yes..that was a gift and a push in the rear end to start taking care of myself!...another even that I'm still trying to figure out how it is a gift, but my car breaking down on the way to St. George this past week....The only thing I can pull out of that is the fact we were all safe, and maybe the Lord knew I needed to get a reliable car...and knew I would never do that without the car's engine getting ruined.

I love my Heavenly Father, I have realized that He has been putting me through the refiner's fire...to allow me to see what I'm made of...I honestly don't know how I've gotten through this past 8 weeks, but I do know it was through Him and my Savior's atoning sacrifice.  I'm grateful for that knowledge that Families are Forever.  I know we will see Thad again, and this is just a temporary separation.  I miss him terribly, and wish that God's will would have been the same as mine, but I know that He is in charge, and Thad is having a wonderful reunion with so many people including my dad and his mom!  I love you Thad Cheatham....with all of my heart...Thank you for the wonderful memories...I will hold these memories in my heart forever!!!!

Witches Night out!!!!

My friend Patty Jesson invited me to go to her annual witches night out. I couldn't go last year because it landed on UEA, but this year is was on Oct 15, so we could go! I invited Valerie to go with me :) We didn't have witches costumes so I remember my friend/hairdresser Kristy had posted pics of her witch costume. I remember loving her hat, so I asked her about it. She not only gave me all the ideas, she went and bought the stuff for me!!! What a lifesaver!!! So I set out to make us tutu's and witches hats for the big night out!!! It was a major task....I was up till 2:00 a.m. the night before finishing up the tutus.....I finished the hats about an hour before we left!!! It was so much fun!!! I loved the way the hats turned out!!! And although, I have been very uncomfortable with my weight, I loved most of the pictures, because it showed how happy we were the whole night!!!! It was up in Perry Utah (Brigham City) at a restaurant called Maddox. Oh my gosh....if you've never eaten there...you need to eat there! It was expensive but worth every penny! My friend Patty had 46 witches total there! She started out with 18 her first year and this is her 3rd! It was so much fun....we talked, laughed, ate, won prizes (a wind chime and a bubble bath). It was so funny to watch everyone's reactions. There was a really good sport of a guy who took our pics for us and got in some of the pics even...It was fun to see Patty again! She was my young women's leader back in the day....I can't believe we have kept in contact after all these years! It reminds me of hanging on to good friends! So many times we lose track or touch of good friends. I'm glad our paths have crossed again! There was also Nicki Ziegler there! I used to babysit her!!!! I felt really old then!!!

After the grand event Valerie and I had to stop at Leatherby's for the famous hot fudge sundae. Valerie talked me into going in there with full garb!! Oh the stares we got, but it was fun! We got a ton of compliments and even had a random guy want to take our pic....I know it was because he thought Valerie was cute!! I probably got cropped out of the pic!!:) Anyway, I loved the night and loved being able to spend time with Valerie.....It isn't very often that I get to spend one on one time with her! I love you Valerie!!!!

P.S. Thad took the little ones and Michael and Bunny to the movie Real Steele. They had fun too... :)

Did you think to pray?

Today I was saying a silent prayer to myself at the breakfast table. Jackson came in and as he was trying to open my eyelids, he said "Mommy, are you dead?" After trying to hurry to finish my prayer and trying to stop laughing as Holland laughed and said "No, Jackson, she is praying!" It really made me think....has Jackson EVER seen me say a personal prayer? Of course he has heard me pray at the dinner table and when we do say our family prayers, but I don't think he has ever seen me pray. It made me want to do better! Not that he will witness me saying my personal prayers a ton, but if he ever did come in on me praying, he would know what I was doing!!! Great Sunday lesson today!!!!! Now my question to all of you out there....Did you think to pray today????

Their little spirits are stronger than mine!

Finally.....some eyes open!

Yes....this is what I'm talking about....I'm not a photographer!!!!

My frustration starts to boil...I just want to see eyes!!!!

I knew it was bad when even Holland wasn't cooperating!!!

My 4th or 5th attempt......argh!!!!!!!! (Hey I got some good nostril shots!!!!

I've often realized and pondered the fact that my children's spirits could be and probably are older than mine.....AND much stronger. I'm amazed every day at some of the comments they make or the little things that remind me how close their spirits are to our Heavenly Father. Today started out as a typical Sunday morning. The men showed up to collect fast offerings which totally caught me off guard! I was just glad they showed up before I ate breakfast as I had totally forgotten it was fast Sunday. I got the kids fed and the church bag ready with moments to spare to catch some quick pictures of these 2 litte ones...They just looked so cute I HAD to get a pic of them!! Well as it turned out, I can totally see why I didn't go into photography as you can tell from most of my pictures....I'm just too impatient or don't seem to have the right eye to catch a good shot....This morning I was in a particular hurry to get to church on time, and little Jackson was NOT cooperating....I was getting so frustrated and just told him that he wasn't going to have any cute pictures of himself to look at when he grew up.....EVERY time I would snap the picture, he would close his eyes!!!! I wanted a close up picture of him with his eyes wide open.....We were in the shade, but he just kept squinting....Then Holland...My little photogenic girl....she was squinting too!!! I realized that just because they were in the shade, their little eyes were looking up to the bright beautiful sky and they COULDN'T keep their eyes wide open.....I was so frustrated, I put the camera in the house and we left for church.....I was not in the best of moods and of course we walked in as they were singing the opening hymn...grrr....can we EVER be on time for church!!! :) My attitude quickly changed when Holland asked if she could bare her testimony. She went up there and she said she knows this church is true, she loves her family and knows President Monsen is a true prophet....in the name of Jesus Christ amen......ahhhh.....the faith of a little 6 almost 7 year old.....I felt kind of stupid that she could get up there and I don't even remember the last time I bore my testimony in church....Immediately after she sat down, Jackson wanted to go up there. ....I explained that when he was old enough to go by himself, he could go up there too..(his mom's way of NOT having to get up there herself if she has to take him up there...I know..it's lame....but it's true).....Holland said "Mom, I can take him up there."....In my mind I can see disaster, but I couldn't deny the looks on either of their faces. So there they take the journey to the front and sit on the chairs up there by the young man who moves the bench for the little ones so they can see while Brother Massey bares his testimony. They are very good and reverent, and I'm thinking as I'm sitting there how proud I am of those 2 little children. Then it's Jackson's turn. Tyson moves the bench up there, Brother Bullough moves the pulpit down and Holland moves the microphone down to his little mouth, then whispers in his ear....Jacskson whispers her words in the microphone and then is told to say it outloud I'm assuming from holland. He says it outloud and I'm not sure if it was hearing his voice in the microphone or what, but something triggered "the susan inherited giggles". Any who knows me....especially my family and close childhood friends, knows that when I get the giggles.....it is almost impossible to stop....AND it comes at the MOST unopportune times sometimes....I'll have to explain that sometime, but at that moment, I could see the uncomfortable looks on the bishoprics' faces...and I was getting a little nervous and embarassed just praying silently that he could get through this...Holland was doing her best to whisper in his ear and putting her hand over his mouth to try to stop the giggles, but to no avail. He did however get out that he knew the church was true and that he loved his mom and dad and in the name of Jesus Christ Amen....WHEW went through my mind and they couldn't get down fast enough......I could see the relieved look on the bishop's face and knew that he was probably glad he didn't have to intervene. It wasn't until the two got back to our bench however that I realized that this testimony, giggles or not, was from a little guy who had the faith to get up in front of all these scary faces staring at him, that my embarassment turned to love for this little guy who taught me more today than any lesson could have taught me. He came back to the bench and said "I did it!!!". I took him in my arms and said "yes you did!" You did a great job!!!! Holland was on the verge of tears....She was embarassed, but it was a time for me to tell her how wonderful it was that she would take her little brother up there to help him bare his testimony for the first time, and that she should be so proud of herself!!!! She felt a little better......and I thought ward members might be "irritated", but I had 2 people tell them what wonderful jobs they did, and I was so grateful for understanding people....who instead of thinking it took away from the spirit, they were able to see what I saw. There was a time when I remember our bishop getting up and "discouraging" the little ones from getting up...that they could do it at home.....I always struggled with that.....I would always think back to when Christ's disciples tried to stop the children from coming up to Christ because they knew He was tired, but He said ....Suffer the little children to come unto ME......Children are the best examples to all of us....It wasn't until we were at my mom's ward this summer, that Holland really had a burning desire to bare her testimony....I was nervous, but noticed that so many of their children were getting up to bare their testimonies, so I let my mom take her up there.....It was so wonderful!!!! This little girl bore her testimony without help, and then when she was done....the bishop of my mom's ward stopped her and gave her a hug.......PRICELESS......So welcoming and made her day!!!! She has been hooked ever since to share what she believes.....I'm proud of her!!!! AND Jackson today for being better than their mom and having the courage to get up and let everyone know what they believe!!!! Thanks to them for setting a true example.

Tonight after we went to take the baptism clothes back to church, Jackson asked me where Jesus lives. I said he lives in Heaven. He said "Can I go see Him?" I said ...."no, honey, not for a long time" He said "Why?" And Holland said..."Do you want to die?" and Jackson said "No", and she said "Well that's why then!" I just told him that Jesus lives within us and we can "feel" him every day here on Earth. He got a light in his eyes :)

Jackson so many times says he wants to go home even when we are home, and it has always FREAKED me out!!! I always just say we already are home, but tonight was the first time he said that about Jesus.......I pray that I'm just over-reacting and he is just a curious little guy....
All of my kids mean the world to me, and I'm just soooo grateful that Heavenly Father has trusted me with such an important role. Thanks to all my kids for the examples you have shown me......I wish I would have been better at writing down all the little things over the years that my kids have taught me!!!! Love you all more than words can say!!!!

Happy Birthday to my 4 year old super hero Jackson!!!!

Jackson opening his presents
trying to figure out where to swing!

vaporizing the villians!

Jackson and Riley in the spiderman house

the super hero city! Notice the planet on the top of the "daily planet" building!

lifting the dumbells! (styrofome balls on a dowl)

4 years ago, my little guy Jackson Porter entered this world! OH what a joyous day that was! Sometimes it seems like yesterday, and then others it seems like a lifetime ago!!!! We had a "super hero" party on Saturday and had 7 cute little boys there to celebrate along with his bros and sisters, and Aunt Shelly and cousins. Michael created a super hero city...it was amazing!!! There was a spiderman den, and bat building, the "daily Planet and phone booth" for Super man. We had a vaporize the villian area where the little super hero's shot silly string at the "bad guys" and then threw water ballons at them (that was their favorite). We had bounce house where they could leap over tall buildings. We had them find the kryptonite (glow sticks in the buildings). I made this building cake...it was kind of lame but the kids loved it...I had super heros on the ledges and even a spider man crawling up the top pillar with a flag at the top that said Happy birthday Jackson! The pinata was a hit...Thank goodness for Michael....he was a trooper...the part where it was being held on to with the tie broke so he had to hold it up as these little people were swinging all over the place.....Then to top it all off....Michael and Thad dressed up in Spiderman and Batman and came out and talked to the kiddies....Tyler was going to dress in Superman but the costume didn't fit! :( All in all, I think they had a great time and they went home looking like super heroes with their capes an all!! (I made capes out of felt with their initials on them :)

Today he took doughnuts and fruit snacks to school to share with his classmates. They made him a birthday crown and sang to him. When I picked him up we came home and he opened his present from us, Michael and Bunny and Grandma. He loved everything he got...Valerie and Holland and I took him to Mickey D's to eat (Jackson could care less about eating...he had more fun playing on the play place and making new friends...It was so much fun to just sit and watch him laugh and just have plain fun! We came home and put his toys together and we played for a bit.

I love you Jackson!!! I'm so glad that Heavenly Father trusted me to be your mommy! How lucky could a person be???? I love you!!!

Here are some of the questions I asked you today with answers so you can read this in 20 years and get a kick out of it :)

What do you want to be when you grow up? Optimus Prime (he said Batman earlier in the car!)

What is your favorite color? blue

Who is your best friend? Porter

What is your favorite toy? Transformer game

Where is your favorite place to go? the store

What is your favorite food? Pizza, cheese taco, cheese

What is your favorite super hero? Superman

What is your favorite church song? I don't like church songs, and like Rock star!!! (so funny!!!)

Bear....2004-2011

Bear's grave site...the rain washed the paint off the rocks the kids painted :(

Bear's last picture taken hours before he passed 7/9/2011

Bear putting his paw on my leg in the cage at the animal hospital

Bear 2 years ago welcoming Tyler home from his mission!!!!

Holland hugging Bear....he watched her like a hawk since I was pregnant with her when we got him:)

Our beloved family dog Bear passed away last night in his fav spot under the piano. So many emotions are going through my head as I write this....I'm used to having him sit right here by my feet as I get on the computer.....but he's not here tonight and for that I'm sad. We went to St. George over the 4th of July on our annual family trip to be with our family. We do it every year. We always leave Bear at a kennel here in Tooele. We didn't get home in time on Tuesday the 5th to pick him up. I was so sad because I always miss him when we leave, and I know how upset he is when we are gone. Michael and Bunny went down to the shop that is located right by there and could hear him barking....they thought...we should just hop the fence and go get him.....now I wish they would have. I got a call on Wednesday morning at work from the vet there saying Bear was bloated this morning and preceeded to tell me that it is quite a common sickness for dogs to get...their stomach fills up with air and they can't burp...so I'm thinking...gas....but she goes on to tell me that they usually need emergency surgery....wait..she said emergency surgery? So I'm asking how much and she says $500-600....I say can you take payments....she says no, in fact we need the money up front before we can even touch him....but she will have to do an xray to see if she is right.....so I ask if they take care credit card....she says no....I hurry and hang up, get on the internet, look for vets in tooele who take care credit....oh good....Dr. Gowans takes it....he is bear's vet.....Thad calls him.....no they are full of appts that day...thad explains that this is an emergency, and the rud lady on the phone says ...nope......what do we do? I call my son Michael, in tears by this time and ask if he can call Bunny's dad to see if he can help.....He goes and picks up Bear and rushes him to Salt Lake....the vet there assures him Bear has plenty of time......He didn't....Bear died 5 min after Michael got him there. Dr. Sharp (bunny's dad) does cpr and revives him.....he does the surgery and I get a text from thad saying they are sewing him up and the prognosis looks good....whew.....I felt good.....but I get a text later that day from bunny saying that he isn't out of the woods yet.....he is in a coma....omg...how can this happen? I want to see him so badly, but they closed before Icould get there.....the next day, Thursday, I get a call from Bunny at 7:00 a.m.....Bear is awake! He has gone poop...so that is great! I'm just so happy....But when I talk to her dad that day, he says he hasn't walked yet....it is just a waiting game....tells me that that vet that "cared" for him was incompetant if she would have just put a tube down him, it would saved his life....he tells me he is making improvements, but has no idea how much brain damage he has suffered (he was without oxygen while he quit breathing) he gives him a 50/50 chance...so I'm taking the 50 in his favor!!! I go to see him after work.....he is in a cage and he has walked!! yeah!!!! he wagged his tail when he saw me and they said he could recoginze me, but i wasn't quite sure....he usually got so excited when he saw me...I knew he was in pain and sick, but I just wasn't sure if he recognized me....so I got in his cage and just sat there and he put his head on my lap....it was such a tender moment....he won't eat so they were hoping I could get him to eat.....no such luck....Dr. Sharp tells me about the surgery...how they were gearing up to have the 2 techs lift Bear on the table and they were all amazed when Michael just picked him up like he was no weight and put him on the table....they were calling him super man...I can totally see Michael doing that...if you know him he is like 6'8" and 280 pounds.....:) So it is quitting time...I have to leave him there :(. I wasn't ready, but I tell him I"ll see him tomorrow and tell him he needs to eat for me. The next day after work I go there and he still hasn't eaten....he has pooped straight blood which is scary, but he kind of trotted while he was going outside to potty....ok, Bear....I get in the cage and take some pictures...he was shaking my hand and smiling at me....I know he knows who I am this time....he didn't seem like he felt very good though....He wasn't as alert as he was the day before....Again I tried to get him to eat....he's NEVER turned down food! In fact, he usually would eat things he wasn't supposed to after we went to bed!!! So again, it's closing time.....I leave....it is my mom's 73rd birthday, so we head to my sis's for a party. The next morning , I get a call from the office saying that Dr. Sharp wants me to take him home so we can see if maybe he'll eat when he is in his own environment....yeah!!!! I'm so excited .....I shower, throw some clothes on and drive into Salt Lake to get my dog!!!!! It's been over a week since we left for St. George, so he hasn't been there since we took him to the kennel....I go in there and they take his iv out and we get some pain pills down him and he walks out to car with me.....he knows which car mine is walks right to it and climbs in....I talked to him all the way home.....he has his head up in the middle and I'm just so happy to have him coming home....I've missed my shadow!!! He goes in the house and walks straight to the sliding glass door and goes out to go potty.....he comes back in and lays down by the couch in the living room....We pet him and try to make him comfortable...Michael comes over and helps me "force feed" him some chicken....I'm so worried because I know he needs to eat....he does drink water for me...he did that the day before too....so I felt good about that....I need to take Holland to the dr. because I'm pretty sure she has strep (she did) and when we came home, he wasn't on his blanket! I call his name, and he is sitting in the hall by Holland's bedroom where Valerie was watching a movie....he had followed her down the hall when she went there...he came back out and went under the kitchen table...another one of his favorite places....Tyler and Jen come out and give him loves, but tyler notices he is breathing harder and he was....I knew he was in pain....I had to wait to give him his pain pill for another 2 hours.....by the time we got to give him that, you could tell he was in pain....I tried it in peanut butter...that didn't work....then we put it in hot dogs....we got him to take it....it took a while to kick in...but it did....then we were downstairs watching harry potter, and I asked Holland to go check on him because I thought I heard him....she went to go check and there he was....he had come down the stairs!!! I didn't think he could.....he came over and laid by me and I just pet and rubbed him....he put his head on my lap and I just felt so sorry for him that he had to go through this, but I just kept telling myself that it must have been meant to be because I had been praying that if he could live a normal life to let him survive, if not to let him go peacefully....I figured this was the answer to my prayer and that he was going to be with us for many more years....I went upstairs to get Eli a drink and Bear came up and followed me to the sliding glass door....he went out and pooped and peed again and then just went over the middle of the grass and layed there for a lot of the afternoon...he just seemed to be basking in the sun, but he also was acting like he was in pain again.....I tried to offer water to him....he wouln't take it....he came over by the deck and let me pet him while Eli played in the jeep....Michael and Bunny started BBQing steaks...he came in and went to the front door went out on the porch and was standing funny like he was hurt....I had him come back in where he went to lay under the piano....that is another one of his favorite places....he breaths really heavy from that time on...I put ice on his stiching...because he was quivering like he was in total pain....he starts biting on the piano pedal...I bring water over to him...he bites on the dish.....I know he is in a lot of pain at this point, but I can't give him another pill for another couple of hours....Michael goes over to him....and I remember looking in there and I don't see Bears belly moving....where it was so fast before...I say "michael, is he not breathing?" Michael calls Bunny over....she tries to call her dad, no answer, and she says "he's not breathing".....I start crying, I'm holding Eli....he is just looking at me and giving me loves....I can't go in there and look at Bear....I can't stand the thought of see his lifeless body.....I can't believe this is happening.....Michael comes and hugs me, Jackson is asking what is wrong and I tell him Bear is gone, and he says "no he's not, he is right there"...I knew he didn't understand, but I just told him that his body is there, but Bear is with Heavenly Father now. Holland comes in and is very upset...we all just sit and cry....I blame myself....I keep trying to think of what I could have done differently.....I"m so grateful that Bunny and Michael are there .... I don't even know what to do.....I wasn't ready for this....I knew he was sick, but I just felt he would make it....We decide to bury him where his kennel in the back used to be....Michael works for a long time digging the hole...it was really hard ground....We call Valerie home....Michael places in in the 2 blankets he used that day....and gave me his collar....Bunny says a prayer....the kiddies had painted rocks for him and put them on there we placed roses on there and put a wind twirly on it.....then we all just sit in silence.....minus the tears and the sniffles.....We tell of our favorite memories of Bear which include: trying to get bear to run in front of the stroller and him just sitting his rear end down until I'd catch up :) (I would always ask whoever I was walking to try to run ahead....because I thought it was so funny he wouldn't do it!!!) he always had to be by me and the stroller), bear ripping up countless blinds, floor boards, and our couch.....(in bunny's prayer she asked heavenly father to let him rip up as many blinds as he wanted!:) , bear coming upstairs every morning at 1:30 a.m. to check all the rooms, bear coming to sleep with me when Thad wasn't there (when he was here, bear didn't even go in our room), following me wherever I went in the house, making valerie feel like she was a fast runner because she would have to pull him basically, watching him stay with bunny at the park, while the other dogs just went wild.....and many more.....We were laughing and crying as we remembered bringing him home! I was pregnant with Holland and I'll never forget going to the pound to pick out a dog....we took several dogs outside and none of them felt right....then she asked if we had seen Bear....no, where is he? She brought us out to the front porch...he was just laying there....we all fell in love with him instantly.....Even though he suffered from seperation anxiety..and destroyed more things that we can even count, we loved that dog because he loved us!!! He was the most loyal, loving dog in the world....I'm going to miss his slobbery nose in the window when I pull in the driveway to come home.....He was sooooo excited to see me.....He made me feel needed and loved and has been with me some of my most difficult times.....he seemed to know when I was sad.....he would lay by me when I was sick, he was even in the bathroom when I bathed the kids....he seemed to always be by my feet.....He loved to go walking....when I would say walk, he would go crazy....it was so funny....he used to get up with me really early every morning and it's like he knew when the alarm clock was going to ring because he would wake before my alarm rang.....I'm going to miss you Bear....thank you for putting up with our crazy family....Thank you for your loyalty, thank you for watching over us.....Thank you for letting us share 7 wonderful years with you.....I know you are running carefree in heaven with Gus and putting up with sparky! Watch over us....We'll never forget our bearsy boats!!!!!

top 10 reasons I love being a mom

10. having at least one child cuddle up in bed with me by morning time :)
9. watching my kids become what I saw in them
8. having grandchildren!!!
7. watching sporting events, music concerts,etc.
6. getting free unlimited hugs and kisses :)
5. waiting up to hear how a special date went
4. gaining sons and daughters in law
3. receiving sweet notes and pictures drawn by a little hand
2. knowing that their spirits are more mature than mine
1. knowing that God entrusted me with some of His greatest spirits.....and gave me an opportunity to have to me Life's greatest calling.....A MOM!!!!!!!!!!

I've been thinking about this a lot and especially this morning as I wake up to a mother's day....I think of my own mom who is the best example of selfless love of anyone I know.....I think of the hot breakfasts I woke up to everymorning, the way she was always there when I got home from school, the way she can make everything all right even when I thought my world had fallen apart...I hope that my children even through all the mistakes I have made being a mom can in some small way feel the same about me....even though they don't get hot breakfasts in the morning (we are lucky to get colds cereal as we rush out the door (my mom probably cringes when she comes to our home:)), and I'm not home when they get home from school (I got so mad at my mom one day when she couldn't make it home by the time I got home....yes I remember only once she wasn't there!). But I hope they know that I love them more than anything and would give my life at any point for each and every one of them! I love you so much Tyler, Michael, Valerie, Cat, Holland, and Jackson! And I love Jen and Bunny and Eli too!!!! Thank you for being a part of my posterity!!!!!

Love,
mom