Teach your kids how to lose!

Yes, you read that right.  We had a teaching moment in the Cheatham household on Friday.  My 6th grade son called me when he got home from school on Friday in a complete state of tears.  I could barely understand what he was saying, and I was worried for a moment.  I was close to 500 hundred miles away attending my best friend's funeral, and I felt hopeless.  When he finally calmed down enough to tell me what was wrong, I heard the words "I LOST!"  Just 2 nights before, he had been excited!  He was going to run for student council secretary!  He had high hopes as he and his sister were making his posters.  When he had the idea of running, I said I would totally support him, but he was in charge of coming up with what he wanted on the posters and would have to write his own speech.  I have never been a fan of "taking over" my kids' school projects.  I suppose it has shown a few times over the years as science projects weren't perfect, school reports were not fancy schmancy like others....but I took pride in the fact that it was their original work and no one else's.  I have been so impressed to see what they have come up with!  This past week was no different.  I helped him by emailing his speech to the teacher over the campaign so she could print it for him, but that was about it!  I was a little worried how he would get said posters to school as he walks to school because I'm gone for work by the time he leaves, but my good friend and neighbor's husband gave him a ride to school along with his friend who was also running.  (I'm so grateful to my little village who has helped me with all of my children!)  So hearing his hurt over the phone made my mama bear heart hurt for him.  I don't know about your moms out there, but when the mama bear comes out, it is hard to contain. When my kids hurt, I hurt.  I wanted him to win, but he didn't, so I had to kick the mama bear aside and go into this is a great teaching moment mode. 

I explained that even though he didn't win, I was so proud of him for trying.  He wailed..."It was a complete waste of time!"  Me:  "Jackson.  Why do you think it was a waste of time?"  Jackson:  "Because they didn't vote for me!  I didn't even get runner up!"  I wasted 2 days getting ready for it"  Me:  "You can't ever get ahead in life if you don't keep trying.  Remember me telling you my upsets when I was growing up?  There was nothing I wanted more in high school than to be on the drill team.  I practiced that try out routine every day, I would stretch so I could master my splits, and I just knew I was going to make it.  I thought I had nailed the dance....I was confident, I smiled and I was just on cloud nine that night.  That confidence was doused the next day when I saw the list of the new team.  My name was not on that list.  I was devastated!  That is all I wanted!  I had not wanted anything else but that!  I was moping all day long trying to be happy for my friends who had made it, but I was so sad and thought life wasn't fair!  Jackson....that day truly made me realize that life was not fair, but it was good.  I went on to try out for the school plays that year and made both the musical and the non-musical that year as one of  only a couple of freshman.  I learned how to lose gracefully that year, and it helped me realize there has to be winners and losers in life!  If we never lost, we wouldn't realize the pure joy of winning!"  By this time the tears had stopped and I could tell that he was listening to me.  I told him we would talk more when I got home, but told him good job for trying and I hoped he had congratulated those who made it and truly be happy for them.  He mumbled a bit and told me he would be OK and he was going to go play a video game to keep his mind off of it.  lol 

I have never been a fan of "everyone gets a trophy" mentality.  I really feel that it has damaged our kids' ability to realize that NOT everyone deserves a prize or a medal or a trophy.  Jackson played basketball a few years ago, and they didn't keep score....It drove me crazy, so I kept score.  His team won some and lost some.  It was the name of the game and I wanted him to be OK with it.  Real life doesn't work that way folks!  How can we teach our kids to lose without letting them lose or even fail?  I had an experience with my 2nd oldest son.  Most teachers all through his growing up years wouldn't give f's.  They always gave the students every possible  chance to hand in homework that was late, earn extra credit to bring their score up, or giving them points to have the parent come to a "make-up" night.  It shocked me!!!!  When I grew up we had kids held back all the time.  If they didn't pass, they were held back.  Fast  forward 10 years...  Failing a student is damaging to their self esteem.....WHAT?????????  No, what is damaging to their self esteem is society not teaching them natural consequences.  Back to my son.  He got an f in History the 2nd semester of his Junior year.  I was shocked!  My mama bear wanted to lash out at the teacher, but my growing up in a family of educators self came out and let the natural consequences come.  He had to take online school to make up the credit.  He hated it.  I hated it, but he never got a failing grade again.  Awww....in yet another teaching moment. 

Please don't think that I'm perfect at this parenting stuff.  I'm about as far away from that as you can get as I've had my fair share of fails through my 32 years of parenting!  I'm  sure each of my children could name several examples of my mom fails, but those fails helped ME learn too!  I'm so grateful for wise parents.  Those parents put up with me insisting that when I have kids I will never do that to them. (I even signed a contract with my mom stating I would never put limits on how many days a week my kids could see their boyfriends. lol)

Jackson and I took a walk tonight with the dog.  We talked about it the student council race again, and he started with the whole thing being a popularity contest etc etc etc....We stopped walking for a minute and I looked at him and asked him if he thought that it was that when he won the student rep in 4th grade.  He said well no.....so why is it any different now?  He was silent for a minute as he thought about it.  I'm not sure if he will take my advise tomorrow of congratulating the girl who got secretary, but I can't wait to talk to him after school to see how it went. 

Ever since my oldest was just a toddler I have been praying that my kids would turn out to be upstanding citizens.... So far I have been so blessed to have 3 adult children who are just that!  I'm so proud of each of their accomplishments!  They are awesome human beings and have married awesome humans as well.  And now they are raising my amazing grandchildren.   My prayers continue for my kids, and now I have included my grandchildren in those prayers.   After all, isn't  that what we all want. for our children?

 

Aww....the lessons we get to continue to teach our children as we have been taught by our own parents!  Here is too all the awesome parents out there who are doing the best they know how to do!  Keep on going!  You've got this!!!